The many tools I use to make the experience more enjoyable on YOUR special tool
As a Millennial, I grew up hearing the same trite sayings over and over: You can be whatever you want! If you can dream it, you can achieve it! The sky’s the limit! But I was passionless, drifting from job to job and hobby to hobby. Sure, there were moments of excitement. Those six days I squatted in an anarchoactivartist commune while waiting for my trust fund check to clear. My brief foray into professional dodgeball. Attempting to complete my thesis on the connection between the spells of Harry Potter and homoeroticicsm in the 2007 adaptation of the Old English epic poem Beowulf.
But all of those were precursors to my true life, and my true calling. Without a doubt, I didn’t know who I truly was until I discovered artisanal glory hole whittling.
In retrospect, it all seems so obvious. My first sexual experience was at 17, sucking off some hairy unwashed trucker at a rest stop along I-55 outside of Marston, Missouri. As his meaty cock became erect, I imagined a world in which the hole between our stall partitions was sanded to the same velvety smoothness as my eagerly waiting lips. As my hand took my own penis, I imagined a world in which a thoughtful craftsman (or craftswoman) seamlessly notched a carved handhold to the wall so I might better support myself. As his hot seed filled my mouth, I imagined a world in which the entire experience smelled not only of our man-musk and toilet cleaner, but of finely oiled mahogany. Now, I’m making my dreams into reality.
These days, I begin every glory hole construction with wood selection. I run my hands across each plank and board, closing my eyes to inhale deeply. “Will this piece of wood,” I ask myself, “truly live up to my standards? Did this tree give its life in vain?” Once the wood has been selected and is delivered to my workshop, all additional work is done fully nude. This has resulted in more than a few awkward splinters, but I know my dedication is apparent in the end. One section of my workshop is set up as a fully-operational mock bathroom, so that I may slide the still-under-construction glory hole into place get an idea of how it will look once completed.
Once construction is completed, I have a cohort of dedicated volunteers who test the glory hole for seven key attributes:
- Scent
- Creakiness
- Cock-feel (from the German schlongenfeelen)
- Texture
- Ability to function as a dining room table so that parents don’t ask awkward questions
- Coloration
- Emotional resonance
If the testers approve, I put the glory hole up on for sale on my Etsy site.
Words cannot describe how content I am now that I have found my true calling. Many go through their entire life without finding their place in the universe. Mine, I now know, is the same place you slide your throbbing cock into a stranger’s mouth: An artisanal glroy hole.
